I've been thinking about the way I relate to God. Call it a lack of understanding if you will, a lack of faith, more likely. Understanding is simply a head knowledge, while a lack of faith is a heart matter---some may even say "the heart of the matter." Yeah! I love when I get to use my title in these!

I have a million thoughts floating in my head right now...Usually when I go to write, I'll read over what I've said and it's usually not what I actually intended to write...Hopefully I'll eventually say what I've been pondering day and night...

First, the way I have been relating to God lately is like an angry woman mad at her husband for not doing what she thought he should have done-or expected him to do. I did what any angry woman would do--I stop talking to him. That's right. Because if I ignore you then just maybe you'll get it through your head that I'm mad at you! Well, let me be the first to tell you it doesn't work. It actually does the exact opposite of what you hoped for.

I stopped talking to God for awhile. And trust me, it did me alot more harm than him! Of course I still believed in him and totally believed he was being good to those around me. But for some strange reason, he was just not in the mood to be good to me...So, the ignoring continued.....Let me just say that I really wish I had more uplifting things to say. Perhaps like one of those people on Facebook that wants to let all their friends know how lucky they are to be them. And more importantly, how lucky YOU are for being their friend. I'm just sayin what others are thinkin...oh, wait, it's just me? Nevermind...

But yeah, I totally act like I'm mad when I actually really just want God to give me what I want. Then if he loves me, he'll give me what I want and it will be a happy day! Yaay! Let's frolic in the fields!! I'm so manipulative! Maybe God's teaching me now to not do that to him so I won't do that to my husband in the future! Poor guy! Is it possible to already feel bad for someone you haven't even met yet? Well, I suppose God loves me enough to not give me what I want, he must really love the man I'm going to marry too because he's not budgin! And I really want to be refined, I just don't want to go through the friggin process anymore! And how ecxiting to think I'll be doing this for the rest of my life! (Not).But one thing I must say, you can't be willing to be refined and be mad at God at the same time. It just doesn't work that way. Well, maybe you could, but how much smoother would things go (and quicker) if you (I) just submitted to that refining process.