I've been thinking about the way I relate to God. Call it a lack of understanding if you will, a lack of faith, more likely. Understanding is simply a head knowledge, while a lack of faith is a heart matter---some may even say "the heart of the matter." Yeah! I love when I get to use my title in these!

I have a million thoughts floating in my head right now...Usually when I go to write, I'll read over what I've said and it's usually not what I actually intended to write...Hopefully I'll eventually say what I've been pondering day and night...

First, the way I have been relating to God lately is like an angry woman mad at her husband for not doing what she thought he should have done-or expected him to do. I did what any angry woman would do--I stop talking to him. That's right. Because if I ignore you then just maybe you'll get it through your head that I'm mad at you! Well, let me be the first to tell you it doesn't work. It actually does the exact opposite of what you hoped for.

I stopped talking to God for awhile. And trust me, it did me alot more harm than him! Of course I still believed in him and totally believed he was being good to those around me. But for some strange reason, he was just not in the mood to be good to me...So, the ignoring continued.....Let me just say that I really wish I had more uplifting things to say. Perhaps like one of those people on Facebook that wants to let all their friends know how lucky they are to be them. And more importantly, how lucky YOU are for being their friend. I'm just sayin what others are thinkin...oh, wait, it's just me? Nevermind...

But yeah, I totally act like I'm mad when I actually really just want God to give me what I want. Then if he loves me, he'll give me what I want and it will be a happy day! Yaay! Let's frolic in the fields!! I'm so manipulative! Maybe God's teaching me now to not do that to him so I won't do that to my husband in the future! Poor guy! Is it possible to already feel bad for someone you haven't even met yet? Well, I suppose God loves me enough to not give me what I want, he must really love the man I'm going to marry too because he's not budgin! And I really want to be refined, I just don't want to go through the friggin process anymore! And how ecxiting to think I'll be doing this for the rest of my life! (Not).But one thing I must say, you can't be willing to be refined and be mad at God at the same time. It just doesn't work that way. Well, maybe you could, but how much smoother would things go (and quicker) if you (I) just submitted to that refining process.

Bloggity blog blog blog

I'm really excited about this blog thing! I love writing, but it's usually in my journal and I haven't even done that in a couple of months. It's just really great to have a friend to talk to, ya know? Okay, that's weird!

Anyway, I must say that I'm also excited about the things God has put into my heart. I feel like he's stirring up the desires in me that I allowed to be buried for awhile. My heart gets harder when I can't see God working in my life...and frankly, I become a crazy monster beast--not quite, but kind of :) Gosh, what kind of person would I be if it wasn't for Jesus? It's seriously scary for me to consider! I'm very thankful that he always reaches out to me in the dark places. And it's been dark. Partly my own doing. When he comes first in my life, I still feel pain, but it's comforted with his love...when I look away for a day, a week or a month, it hurts so much worse.I'm a dummy for not choosing him always! It's a constant turning away from myself to him. Not ignoring what I feel, but choosing who to run to! Um...the stronger one....hence, not me!

Yeah that's a good realization. Too bad I'm still learning it. I knew there would be a hard phase coming. God prepared me for it. But he reminds me he has not forgotten about me every so often...usually in the middle of the night when my heart is calm I'm able to hear better.

Good night people :)

For the record I don't really believe in Santa!

Oh my gosh, I just read my own blog after having written it earlier! HA! I'm like--why did I choose the Santa analogy?! I'm so funny! Anyhow, I just really feel that intellectual people don't stop and use simple common sense. They're obsessed with finding the "truth" that they don't realize they are so off. Like, why would they think they have "arrived"? When they can't plainly tell me what they believe?! And I'm really not a fan of the term "Christian mysticism," which is the term this lady used. I just don't like the two put into the same sentence. eww. Anyway, I'm done with that....

Blogging at work...

Yeah, I'm blogging at work, okay! But not to worry, my boss doesn't care (I don't think). It sure beats catching up on the latest celeb gossip. I've become so disgusted with myself over that. It's like an obsession! A filthy one at that!

So this morning I'm sitting at my desk helping people when a nice, middle-aged woman that I've seen many times in my building approaches my desk. A visitor. She's just sitting there quietly waiting....So I asked a little bit about her multiple visits. "I own my own business," she says. "Oh, yeah, what's that?" I say back. "I help people with their spirituality--to help people find the goodness in themselves," her again.

She begins to talk (non-stop) about how she's studied physics and religions and her former Jewish backround, the Bible--all of them. Apparently, there's more than one. "Hmm...More than one? What do you mean by that?" I say back. Please keep in mind I get a whole lot of nothing to contribute. Oh, but if you know me, YOU KNOW I will get my turn ;) muahhahah

Anyway, I asked her if she's ever had a spiritual encounter. She said, "sure, what kind? I've had many different kinds." She said she has even encountered JC... I begin thinking to myself. Her-still yappin---and yappin---and yappin---Finally I have to stop her and say, "you encountered Jesus? what was that like?" She said he was fun and made her feel great and was very loving. "Yeah," thinking to myself some more....I had the chance to tell her I studied theology and the Bible, but that's all she got to know about me. I asked her another question relating to Jesus. Then she looked at me and said, "why don't I make him my savior?" I didn't even ask her about that, dude! But she's thought about it. At this point that's only part what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, if this lady encountered Jesus, then why would she doubt he is who he says he is?! I mean, she gave me her answer, a very poor answer by the way. I'll try to get more into that later.

All I'm thinking is if she genuinely believed she encountered Jesus Christ, then that would have to mean he's real. Yes, he is real...Got that covered. Okay, then, if you encountered him in the here and now, then that would have to mean he is STILL exists. And, if he revealed himself to you, then that would have to mean he cares for you and he could even love you. Some of you are probably thinking, "oh, she thought she encountered Jesus, it wasn't him, because when you encounter Jesus, you will know that he is the way, truth and life." Maybe, or it could have been his attempt to draw her into his Goodness. Whatever it was, the fact that she couldn't put a spiritual encounter + Jesus Christ= Truth together is very heartbreaking. I'm not sure if I'm getting my point across very well. For instance, if I encountered Santa Claus I wouldn't care about the way he made me feel, or what others would think, or the fact that I never celebrated Christmas before. Because when you encounter him--that makes him real AND transcendent, right? And if transcendant then that would lead to truth. Is it just me or do I make a lot of sense?

There is so much more to that conversation and why I think she is very wrong, but time does not permit. Afterward I just began to think that I'd rather live passionately for One purpose, for One Person, then live my entire life with this EXTREMELY unclear and ambiguous belief in multiple gods that ultimately confuses people, or me at least! They think they have an answer when they make NO SENSE at all! I know the life and death of Jesus Christ isn't necessarily a rational one- virgin gets prego, gives birth to God incarnate, God-man lives sinless life and dies on cross for the sins of humanity until he returns again in the clouds! That's not rational, that's faith! However, it really beats serving the "inner you." Gross. What the frick does that even mean?! If someone else dares tell me I'm good at my core, I think I'm gonna just punch them in the face (kinda want to right now) and have them tell me that once more. I'm a depraved individual who desperately needs love and mercy extended toward me. Don't get me wrong I really want to be good naturally! Trust me! It would make me feel a lot better about myself! No wonder that philosophy sales so well! Personally, when I don't put my trust in the blood of Jesus I begin to feel a super guilty conscience. For a while, until I ignore it. Why is that? Maybe because I've already had a crazy love encounter with my Jesus (and know better then what I have been doing), or maybe I'm just down right guilty. I like to push the limits...But that's a whole new blog for later ;)


Point of blog: I'd rather give my heart and life to ONE thing. To believe so passionately that I'd give my life for it and to look back on my life and know that I gave it my all--whatever it was. And it just so happens I have experienced Jesus on a deep and profound level that he gets my affections. Sounds intense, but that's just me....

Note: I realize this could be more organized. I'm embarrassed to say Literature was in the title of my major. Thanks all.

:)

You reap what you sow.

Lately I've been thinking about the law of sowing and reaping. As many people today would refer to "Karma." The idea of "you get what you give out," or in other words, "getting what you deserve." But I'm not Hindu. I'm a Christian, thus I use different terms such as "sow" and "reap."

Galations 6:7-9 "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."

Sowing and reaping occurs in every aspect of life. In family,work, finances, friendships and relationships, in traffic! In your thought life too! It's in everything. Sometimes I think to myself that I totally deserved this or that, because I have done the same thing at one time or another! That's a right way to think. When you realize you do the same kinds of things as the other countless millions of people out there do, it allows you to extend mercy to the perpetrators.

But this still begs the question of why we expect different results when we refuse to change? The brilliant Einstein once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." We do this by repeatedly not taking into consideration the way a person must feel when we do the things we do. Everyone knows what it feels like to have done something and experienced the consequence for it. As a young girl, I look back and realize I didn't receive the consequences I should have had. It wasn't until I was older that I realized I couldn't do whatever I wanted. The things I said and did affected the people around me.

Ironically, the things I said and did affected me too, leaving me to clean up what I started. It's so much more difficult than NOT having done it in the first place! Anyhow, Proverbs 19:8 says, "He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; He who keeps understanding will find good." Plainly stated: when you care about yourself--YOU WON'T BE SELFISH! To not understand this truth means you're very lost and you most likely hurt people, and are consumed with love for self; which isn't love for self at all. God desires that everyone feel loved and surrounded by others, that is why he gave us his word; so we would know wisdom. Wisdom leads us to a happy and meaningful existence when we are at peace with those around us.

Here I am writing for the first time on my new blog. What to say? Well, I've been coming home to an empty apartment for the third week in a row and getting a little lonely. My roommate has been sick and back home for longer than expected. I love and miss her, but I honestly don't mind the solitude. It helps me think. To clear my head and re-focus on the things that the busyness of a day can distract. And just spilled soup on my clean pj's! darn!

Back to the re-focus jargon. I suppose I say that because I believe that if I do not spend special time aside to think about my life that I'm going to somehow miss the plan of God for my life! It seriously stresses me out! I find that I am a major "doubting Thomas"! I wonder if Thomas believed that Jesus was who he said he was in the first place...or...did he just get distracted, or perhaps focused on the wrong thing(s). He probably didn't want to get his hopes us too high just in case the Jesus he encountered was a liar. Harsh words, but the truth. He didn't want to be thought a fool. If Thomas was anything like me he probably got used to the idea that all of his hopes had been destroyed; and it hurt to bad to believe. It hurt so bad that he utters the words: "unless I see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe" (John 20:25). Wow, Thomas, you're kind of a jerk! With all of the things surrounding him, it was a matter-of-fact sort of thing to Thomas; Jesus was dead, and he, one of the 12, was the one who followed this man for 3 years. He gave up everything. He was probably pretty fightin' mad at the outcome too. His anger rising from his hurt. So much so that he didn't even stop to consider the other 10 disciples' (minus Judas) statements and experience!

Well, I am Thomas at the moment and trying real hard to be the other 10 right now. Jesus says: "Peace to you" to me as he said to Thomas some 2 thousand years ago. Unbelief puts a person in a state of confusion and hardens the heart. Belief brings joy and peace and keeps the heart soft and open to the things of the Spirit. Why would anyone ever want to live confused and hardened and miserable?! That's not being truly alive! It's being a dead person living life day in day out with no hope or faith in God! God does things SO different than how we expect him to do things. It is biblical precedent! Why can't I figure that out already?! Proverbs 13:12 says "hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." God knows what hope does to my heart, but he asks me to trust anyway.